Category Archives: Me

#rpgaday – Day 3 – First RPG purchased

Strangely enough, given my previous post, it’d be a Fighting Fantasy book. I strongly remember it being Ian Livingstone, but not what book it was.

Orpheus by White WolfGoing back to the idea of proper RPGs, it’s a little trickier. I’m not sure which I bought first – Orpheus or Witchcraft.

I suspect it was Orpheus, as Witchcraft was out of print, and I had to order it from America. Admittedly, that may still mean I bought Witchcraft first, but Orpheus was almost certainly in my hands first.

I now own all of Orpheus, including the short stories book. It’s one of the only games I own in its entirety – may in fact be the only game. I’ve only skimmed some of the later books in the vain hope that someday I might get to play in a proper campaign and knowing all the metaplot would spoil things a bit.

#rpgaday – Day 2 – First game gamemastered

The first game I properly ran was a Witchcraft game. It didn’t go so well, didn’t even really go anywhere. I think we managed a couple of sessions at best before it fell apart – something that seems a common trait in my games when I’m feeling down.

Vampire: the Requiem by White WolfThe next game was a Vampire: the Requiem game as I recall – that actually went on for a while. The bit that stands out there was the ghouled cat called Twinky who ended up being better than most of the characters in a fight – when she could be bothered to take part. Rule 1 of ghouling – never let them know they can do it without you. Okay, so I was bending the rules with letting a cat do it independently, but it amused the players no end.

World of Darkness: Asylum by White WolfThen there was the old World of Darkness game that was actually a feint into a new World of Darkness game – the Apocalypse was changed by a cabal of mages who cast a ritual to remake the world in their image – setting themselves up as the Exarchs and removing everyone else’s memories. For some reason, the players could recall who they’d been, but had lost their abilities; they were just mortals stuck in an insane asylum. In the Old World, they’d been vampires and werewolves, and now they were just human. One of them found Malkovian in the asylum basement and got themselves ghouled – nowhere near as powerful as the vampire they’d once been, but still useful. With that, they managed to break out of the asylum and escape into the real world. Things didn’t go too far after that, but I thought the concept worked rather well.

#rpgaday – Day 1 – first RPG played

I figured I’d join in on the #rpgaday theme for the month. The first topic is the first RPG you played.

That I can remember? One of Ian Livingstone’s Fighting Fantasy books. I don’t remember which one, but I’ve probably still got it somewhere…

Of course, if you’re meaning a true RPG, it was a modified version of the West End Games Star Wars system as part of the Imperial Order (a Star Wars gaming fan-club that had a roleplaying wing at the time – Warbird Wing for life).

Witchcraft RPG by Eden StudiosThe first RPG I actually played around a tabletop was Witchcraft. I joined a game in first year, and that was an interesting game. The first of two PCs named Pyro (after the MegaTokyo character, but with actual fire abilities like the Marvel one). The second Pyro was in the Orpheus game I also played in first year. They died within a week of each other as I recall. My notes on what they could do were quite extensive – I’d handwritten out all of the relevant rules text into notebooks with coloured tabs to keep it all organised; I never do that any more.

So that’s a brief look into where my roleplaying habit started.

Old sayings

There are two phrases I said in university that stick out in my mind even now. One of them is behind the naming of this website as I noted on the about page.

The other went something along the lines of “I code in 8 dimensions”. I said while I was trying to figure out a tricky iteration loop, to try and describe the visual mindset I get into when I’m “in the zone” with something. I don’t know why I said 8 dimensions, but it seemed apt at the time.

I still kind of think that I think differently from other people. That I visualise things much differently. Not that anyone really thinks alike, but I think my mental processes are quite a bit different from what is considered the norm. I can’t simply turn my mind off – something which troubles me occasionally – it doesn’t relax.

It comes into my roleplaying as well – I get times when I’m not just pretending to be someone else, it’s more like I assume their personality. I don’t need to think about what they would do or say, I just do it – even if that’s at odds to something I would normally consider saying or doing. It’s a natural process – something I couldn’t analyse if I tried, and after having a couple of roleplaying characters make comments in my mind on something I’ve seen outside of a game, I have tried somewhat. Times like that (and like this) that I wonder if I have a mild form of schizophrenia.

Still, I can face the world.

IoD National

So it turns out I’m really bad at updating this regularly. Who’d have thought that? Oh wait, I did.

So let’s try this again. This last weekend, I went down to Buckden for the IoD National. Having found out a few days beforehand that I wasn’t playing any of the games like I thought I had been, I was in a surprisingly good mood.

On the Friday, I co-ST’d/NPC’d Geist, then NPC’d/ST’d Awakening before spending the evening playing board games and drinking cocktails (thank you Matt Sanderson). The games were fun and I met some new people through the process of NPC’ing with them and ST’ing for them. Then there was the Mage soft RP session late at night which had both some surprising IC and OOC results…

Saturday morning, I was back to NPC’ing/ST’ing Awakening which was interesting, followed by the AGM. After that, I had a bit of a breakdown. I’m not entirely sure what caused it. A perceived exclusion, a lot of noise… I just ran out of cope. I held myself together enough to get to the NPC brief for Forsaken and I took longer than I should have to get in character – it was just a lot of effort to get into costume. I’m glad I did though, as I had quite a lot of fun ranting about the unnatural abomination that was my alpha (all in fun, no real-world views given). After that, I didn’t feel like doing much but I got caught by Reb as I went to go get some of my stuff and he convinced me to NPC for him. So glad I did – I haven’t had that much fun with a character in years… Apologies to any Lost players I may have creeped out.

Sunday brought about packing and some vague NPC’ing, but I was mostly just providing some continuity as I didn’t have much I could connect to and I couldn’t bring myself to stay in character for an extended period.

Then the long journey home.

Still, I had more fun that I expected, and I met some lovely people I hadn’t met before and reconnected with some lovely people I hadn’t seen properly in a while. All-in-all, an excellent weekend.

Empire

I’m currently feeling quite a lot of apathy towards Empire. I kinda want to go, but I haven’t booked holidays for it, and I haven’t got costume and I have a severe case of “can I be arsed?”. It’s not that I don’t have other friends going or anything, but I just don’t feel connected to it in a way that makes me want to get organised for it.

It’s odd. I can get excited about Empire at times, but other times – like now, when I’ve just had an email telling me the early booking deadline is coming up – I just don’t know if I can be bothered with the effort of getting myself organised.

It’s a reflection of my depression, I’m aware, but I feel like everyone else is more involved and invested in it than I am and I can’t catch up to that. I feel like I’d be lost and not know what to do, like I can’t possibly get myself organised in time so why bother trying?

It’s hard to describe, but these things are rarely easy.

Loneliness

In a post on his blog, Stephen Fry talks about loneliness and how he feels the contradiction of both feeling alone and wanting to be left alone. That’s a sentiment I share quite often. While he has a different experience of depression than me (I have never felt particularly suicidal except on a few occasions), the feeling of loneliness is something we share – and something he describes better than I can.

In the end loneliness is the most terrible and contradictory of my problems. I hate having only myself to come home to. If I have a book to write, it’s fine. I’m up so early in the morning that even I pop out for an early supper I am happy to go straight to bed, eager to be up and writing at dawn the next day. But otherwise…

It’s not that I want a sexual partner, a long-term partner, someone to share a bed and a snuggle on the sofa with – although perhaps I do and in the past I have had and it has been joyful. But the fact is I value my privacy too. It’s a lose-lose matter. I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be left alone. Perhaps this is just a form of narcissism, vanity, overdemanding entitlement – give it whatever derogatory term you think it deserves. I don’t know the answer.

I too, often feel a lack, an urge to have someone else in my life, but I also don’t want to have someone crowding me – I need my space, my privacy. I don’t know what the answer is, and neither does Mr Fry – someone far more intellectual than I.