They say eyes are a window into a person’s soul. If that’s so, then I don’t like what I see in mine.
They got in my head, changed how I thought. I did things under their control that I regret.
I betrayed my friends, I betrayed my allies, I betrayed myself and my ideals.
I am haunted by my own eyes. They stare back at me with accusation and pity. They stare back at me with heavy lids and bloodshot corneas. There is a great and terrible weight behind those eyes.
The mask doesn’t help. The false identity I took on so I could do some good defaced by the marks of the enemy. A sign of my betrayal painted in brilliant gold onto the mask that represents who I am in this world. It stares at me as well, the gold reflecting the waning light as if in accusation – not letting me forget.
Who am I now? What am I now? Where do I go from here? How can I fight knowing what I’ve done? How can I not fight knowing what they are and what they will do?
Maybe it’s time to put down the mask. Maybe it’s time I walk away. But I don’t think I can do that yet. Not while… not while they keep stepping up.
The question is… how do I do this now?
Photo by Oliver Facey
It’s just one of those things.
Life and death. You think you’re prepared for it. You think you know what’s to come, and how you’ll deal with it when the time comes.
It’s all a lie, though. No one is ever really prepared for it.
Staring into the face of it, knowing you’re going to die if something isn’t done, it changes you. It makes you realise things you might not have known about yourself.
It makes you realise that you would choose death over slavery. It makes you realise that you would choose the lives of others over your own. It makes you look back at your life and see all your misdeeds anew. It makes you realise what you’ve been missing out on.
It makes you regret not realising sooner. It makes you regret not being able to say anything as it’ll make it harder to let go – to have others let go.
It’s just one of those things. You can’t know what it’s like until you’ve been there. You can’t know what you’ll do until you’re there. But once you’ve been there, it changes you and it’s hard to go back to where you were before.
It’s just one of those things that makes life interesting, right? Right?
Shit. Now what do I do?
Photo by Beth Dooner
My LRP schedule for the year has been pretty full since last October and events are still being added.
- 22-24 Jan – Empire Player Event: In the Fields of the Cloth of Gold
- 19-21 Feb – Empire Player Event: Gilded Horn Carta Winter Retreat
- 4-6 Mar – Future’s End: Mission One
- 25-28 Mar – Empire: 379YE Winter Solstice
- 6-8 May – Stargate: The Spaces Inbetween
- 13-15 May – No Rest for the Wicked: Dark Deeds
- 27-30 May – Empire: 380YE Spring Equinox
- 1-3 Jul – No Rest for the Wicked: By Schisms Rent Asunder
- 29-31 Jul – Empire: 380YE Summer Solstice
- 9-11 Sept – Empire 380YE Autumn Equinox
- 30 Sept – 2 Oct – Future’s End: Mission Two
- 14 – 16 Oct: No Rest for the Wicked: Humans Are Such Easy Prey
And that’s not including any extra Stargate events I get tempted into, or any extra Empire player events that might happen post-season, or the potential of going to CP in August.
On the other hand, I only have 8 days of holiday left and I may want to take the Thursday off for Empire E3 and E4 and any Christmas leave I want has to come out of that as well. So maybe this is about my LRP limit in a year. But maybe not.