They say eyes are a window into a person’s soul. If that’s so, then I don’t like what I see in mine.
They got in my head, changed how I thought. I did things under their control that I regret.
I betrayed my friends, I betrayed my allies, I betrayed myself and my ideals.
I am haunted by my own eyes. They stare back at me with accusation and pity. They stare back at me with heavy lids and bloodshot corneas. There is a great and terrible weight behind those eyes.
The mask doesn’t help. The false identity I took on so I could do some good defaced by the marks of the enemy. A sign of my betrayal painted in brilliant gold onto the mask that represents who I am in this world. It stares at me as well, the gold reflecting the waning light as if in accusation – not letting me forget.
Who am I now? What am I now? Where do I go from here? How can I fight knowing what I’ve done? How can I not fight knowing what they are and what they will do?
Maybe it’s time to put down the mask. Maybe it’s time I walk away. But I don’t think I can do that yet. Not while… not while they keep stepping up.
The question is… how do I do this now?
Photo by Oliver Facey